Vienna

I always pride myself on knowing what I want — my career, my interests, my taste in men, and my taste in music. These are the things that no one can take away from me. These are the decisions that fully exemplify my freedom. Growing up I had little to no control over how my life is going to be. The people that I love, the friends that I meet, the trauma that I have to endure, all of those things were not in my control and all of those things I have to consider how my family would react to them. So I’ve spent all my life telling myself that it will get better and that later in life I would get to make my own choices, I’d get to cherish my own freedom.

Now I’m 21, studying the major that I am deeply in love with, meeting people that I know will fill my heart with so much love and my mind with so much wisdom, and overall living my life. They said your 20s are your selfish years, a decade of growth, a decade where you can make mistakes and not have anyone judge you. But how come I don’t feel that way? How come living selfishly and figuring out your own life is something taught to me to be extremely bad?

And then I fill my days with multiple passions of mine, exposing myself to different people, and drowning myself with work. Trying to overcompensate for the things I can’t provide myself and continuously pleasing people with my skills and taking up responsibilities for them to deem me worthy of something. Well, that ‘something’ I’m still trying to figure out. But I have this notion that if I am useful, I am worthy. I’m trying to prove so much that if I can do a lot of things I do have a place in this world. That’s where I’m wrong. I thought that all of my passion that I’m currently doing is for my enjoyment but it was for the approval of others.

It’s just how life is, they won’t take a second look at me, and I won’t get what I want if I’m not putting or offering anything on the table. It’s so tiring to always think of others, how others would react, how they would overreact to a decision that would bring me so much happiness. I will continuously need to think of others, how they would always bring up that ‘utang na loob’, how it would make me feel bad by making myself happy.

Maybe, I don’t need happiness yet. Maybe, I was put into this world to please others. I don’t know, all I know is that I’m tired of it.

I hope Vienna is waiting for me.